when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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