I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
