Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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