someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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