I want to have your abortion
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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