shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
