I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
