I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
