What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
