My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
