i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You are a genius and a whore.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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