I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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