well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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