If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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