so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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