Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
