Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
