The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
