You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
