it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
