Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
