tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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