Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
