Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You were trust falling into bushes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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