i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
