i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
