Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
