she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
