I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
