It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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