genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
