my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You ruined the universe
Randomize
