I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
