That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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