I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
