you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
