well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Boobs are out for the taking
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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