I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
