Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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