Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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