Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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