ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
