Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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