You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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