Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My liver just broke up with me...
I just threw up on my dentist
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
