And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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