I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
