you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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