highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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