everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
40s are totally the cure
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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