You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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